finlay_flynn: (boho)
[personal profile] finlay_flynn
I considered getting a hotel, but the truth is I needed something private. I needed to grieve, to meditate, and that's not easy done with room service and maids coming and going. In the end I settled on an airbnb in The Village, a proper flat to call my own for a month, or until I'm ready to go back to London.

It seems silly right now to assume I'll ever be ready to go back. I think about home and I get sick to my stomach, physically nauseous. It's nerves, I know it is, and they're soon soothed by the time I reach the bottom of the cut crystal glass that holds my scotch. Do I even like scotch? Lately I don't even pause to taste it. It's medicine, down in one go to chase away the ache.

Will's death is with me constantly, playing on a loop in my head. I close my eyes and I see him fall. So much happened in that moment, in an instant he was gone, and though his death brought me to my knees- There was freedom in that moment. In that brief moment where he was gone, I became painfully aware of that thread that had linked us together, because suddenly it was gone, and all the emotions that had already been dragged to the surface after breaking our bond were suddenly impossible to ignore. I was wrong to leave him that night, I know he wasn't well, and I know he must have been a mess, but I couldn't stay. I couldn't. I needed space, I needed to breathe. I needed to deal with everything that had happened between us from day one.

...Perhaps he did too. I can only hope that he takes this time to reflect as well. More than anything, I wish we could start again, we've both grown so much since that first night, and if we'd both known then what we know now, I know it would have been so different. Starting again is impossible though, there's no roundabout here, only branching paths. It's up to both of us to choose the right one now- Independently of one another. My hope is that our paths cross again, but I wont force it. I wont fight against my own will anymore.
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Finlay Alexander Flynn

August 2017

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